Possessed by Ego

I personally feel like its human nature to poses an ego. We want to be the best or at least better than someone else. This creates a feeling of superiority over others and gives ourselves the impression we are of value. Without some sort of validation we might result to filling that gap with doubt.

As much as I try to streamline my ego, it's there and i'm happy to say I can usually identify when he's poking his nasty little head out. It took some time to pinpoint these critical moments, but over years of reflection, I pull back when I notice I'm competing over others for self approval.

Now, identifying how I compete with myself is a completely different intersection with a traffic light that seems to be stuck on red. Climbing is a prime example of a sport one can easily find self competition. Progressing thru the grades is a satisfying but impeding challenge. It's really an amazing sport. Even if you are the best in the world, there is still a harder or scarier climb out there, and probably some kid from the gym who's riding your heels. Furthermore, success rate is low and failure is eminent.

As I progress in strength and ability, my mind starts to believe I should be able to send specific routes of style and grade. That's just not how it works in the real world. There are an exuberant amount of factors that go into a send, and some of them are actually out of our control.

Personal ego just kicks in and can consume during this process. It's difficult for me to notice at the time when my O+ blood type is pumping through my veins at a rapid rate and emotions are high.

The type of scenario above is a prime example to how I perceive my abilities and let my own ego stand in the way of making clear headed decisions. I can remember multiple times where I was in my comfort zone, and still failed. That's when my self-deflating ego is at its worse. Having a perceived notion of sending a route, only to find that you just can't figure it out, over and over again, is onerous to swallow.

Even when working a difficult climb and I am already out of my comfort zone, self doubt and ego are ringing the doorbell. It's god damn frustrating falling on the same move over and over, and kinda rewarding when you stick the crux for the first time. Then it seems to take forever to piece all of it together, until one magical day it all does come together and you send the route with ease that you spent three years projecting. The funny part is the send feels great, but the hours of joy certainly don't always equate to the hours of failure.

Ego is a self-limiting factor, but good news is we do possess the ability to rise above and form a sense of comfort when we extend ourselves out of our own comfort zone.

Now that I'm supposed to be healthy for the first time in 11 months, I'm not sure where my skill sets will lye. I know I won't pick up where I left off. However, I can tell you i'm going to do my best to release doubt and just enjoy the process of getting back into it—Ego and self competition aside and all.